My worst fears are coming true..
Please don't do this to me..
:'(
I'm dying here..
Don't leave me..
Please..
I can't sleep, when I do, I dream only of you.
I cry in my sleep.
I can't eat. I don't get hungry anymore. If I do, I'd have no mood to eat.
I can't think. I forget things. I lose my concentration. When I can think, I think only of you.

My life sucks so bad right now, I don't know what I'm put on this earth for.
I'm just useless. I might as well not be alive.

I love my baby. For the record.
I've never loved anyone more.

I'm worried.

I'm standing on a busy street. Cars speeding by, people walking and chattering, busy to get about their lives. And I need to get across the street. But I have to find the damn traffic light or the zebra crossing before I can make my way across. I frantically search for that gap in the street with the white stripes, but it's nowhere to be seen. It's there, somewhere, I just can't find it. I need to get across before it's too late.
I get people around me to show me the way, and I get hints of where the crossing is.
But it's getting dark. Really dark. I can't help but feel that if I don't work harder, and faster, to get where I need to, I'd be shut out for good.
The light's dimming now. I raise my hands out in front of me, and I can barely see my fingers. I'm scared.
Everyone else has made their way across, and I can't rely on anyone anymore. The darkness overwhelms. Soon it's pitch black. And I can't see. I can't see, and I can't hear. It's silent. Everything's dead.
I'm alone. And I can't go anywhere. The people I love, and need, are gone. I can't see them.
It's a long way across the street and I can't sense them, and neither can they sense me.
I had one chance to do it right, and I blew it.
I've lost my will.
I've lost the light.
I can't go on.
I'm hopeless.




I don't want that to happen.
I used to be invincible.
But now I stand to lose alot.
I stand to lose a whole future.
I stand to lose my loved ones.
My baby love.
I don't want her to leave me because of how incompetent I am.
I'm afraid she will.
I have to do something!
Even if it kills me, I will do something.
Anything.
Not just for me.
But for you to stay by me.
I love you.
Don't ever go.

Blank.
That's it.
I should definitely be writing more. It's getting harder and harder to work the crank in this brain of mine.
No. I should definitely be THINKING more.
I don't think anymore.

Well, it's okay.
I'll write something awesome soon.

For now,
I AM HAPPY.
period.
I'll only be really happy once I get myself a job and lotsa money.

love you darling...

Hate To Say I Told You So

Hate to say I told you so.
A very nice song from The Hives. An old song, but forever relevant.

My dreams haunt me. I dread every second when my eyes are closed. When my breath slows down to a crawl, silent and lifeless am I. It's the constant clockwork of my subconsious mind that bugs me.
I dream. I dream of wonderful things.
Things so perfect I should want to stay in slumber forever.
But no.
I don't.
For it is only in dreams that my life is flawless, pieces fitting together so effortlessly like a child's jigsaw puzzle.
But alas, my heart sinks deeper than the Titanic, deep, so deep the pressure crushes the throbbing fist of muscle that keeps me alive. It sinks when I awaken from time in dreams to realise that perfection was only a figment of my imagination. Merely a substandard mental manifestation of my inner most desires.
I wake up to see, with those eyes that were comfortably closed, the life which I dread now.

I am empty.
Nothing but an empty vessel, like a depleted oil drum, rolling down a dark alley, making so much noise.

And it hurts more to see that what I want, is taken for granted by so many other people.
And it hurts to see that those other people, are better off if I were to be an influential part of their life. A significant part of their lives.
Unfortunately, people make lousy choices, and they end up with the same bullshit that they promised themselves to get out of.

Give me a chance. To some, second chances. To others, at least look my way.
I strive to be, not rich, not successful, but to be the best kind of man a guy can be.
And I am confident that, although I haven't reached perfection, I am definitely superior to most others in so many ways.
I try to be near you every chance I get.
I try to listen to you every chance I get.
I try to make you smile every chance I get.

But I know where I stand.
You I will never have.
But for what it's worth,
I would love to make you happy.
And at the very least, I will be there whenever you need me.
Whoever you are.

Azhar Punkrocker

Welcome to my newly revamped blog.
Not much difference.
haha.


People always come to me to complain about how depressing my blog posts are.
I'm not emo or anything, but c'mon lah, my life sucks.

Don't get me wrong, I am lazy, period. Yes. But I'm not ignorant towards the fact that I have problems that need to be settled.
Trust me, I am doing everything in my power to fix it.
Give me time people.
That's money and what not.

How about friends?
Forget all my punk or punkrocker friends, poker friends or whatever. They're good.
There's a certain group. As close as I was to them, or, seberapa banyaknya masa aku spend ngan dorang, I've always felt left out.
Outing tak ajak, ape tak ajak.
Jalan raya, takpe lah, tak ya ajak aku pe.
One of the reasons I got so depressed during a certain point of time, is because I feel left out.
Ada orang lain jugak pe yang korang tak spend as much time as before pe, those people kau ajak.
Asal tak leh ajak aku???!?!?!?!

:'(

Sembarang ah. Raya pun tak important pe.




FML

WELCOME TO MY BLOG ELLY! :P

I Miss You

I know I've blogged about how much I miss the various people in my life.
But never, or at least very rarely, have I ever mentioned their names here.

I think, now, these people have moved on far enough for me to have the courage to write their names down. Because I know things will never be the same again.
These people were a significant part of my life,
and I care for them so much.

Here's to you.


I MISS SAW
You were like the girlfriend I never had. I love you alot, and my words are just not good enough to express how I feel.
I miss you so much.
Things never really kicked off for us.
But if ever I had the chance, or the courage to have done something about it, I certainly would have. I would've taken every opportunity to show you how much I care for you.
You're far away now. and you're busy with your new life.
I hope you do well in school, and love life.
I miss your hugs and kisses.
And your sometimes narcissistic view on life and all the people in it.
I think of you when I listen to Jason Mraz's Bella Luna.
and I always lose my mood when I start thinking of you, because all I can think about would be being with you.
I just love you.
not enough I guess.
No, I dont miss you alot, I miss you the most right now.





I MISS NADIA
You're a very special girl.
You're infinitely beautiful,
You're so smart, you make me look pathetic.
I care for you as much as any other,
and I dare say I love you if you permit me.
The short amount of time that we spent being close to each other wasn't really how I would've wanted it to be. It was amazing being with you, but I would've wanted more.
You were everything I ever wanted.
Unfortunately, I never had the balls to really tell you how I felt.
Remember there was this one time, I wrote some poems and posted it here?
of how Romance was like a diamond fish, that swam away to another shore?
that was about you.
In fact most of the other poems were about you.
You gave me life, and motivation. You got my brain working again.
I miss your hugs alot also.
I miss how close we were.
If I had the courage before, I would've asked you out on a PROPER date.
I loved spending time with you.
I wanted to spend EVERYDAY with you.
How I wish you didnt swim away.



I MISS KAS
I know I still see you and speak to you.
But you dissappoint me so much I feel so unmotivated to continue.
yet,
I still care for you so much.
I don't know why, but I do.
I know the age difference is ridiculous.
and I knew if anything were to happen, it would've never lasted.
But I was willing to give it my all. I would've made it the best relationship you ever had if it happened.
Unfortunately, it didnt.
You made some really lousy choices and I've been feeling shitty about it ever since.
I try, I swear I try, to talk to you and be normal around you.
But my heart sinks every time I see you looking at me, every time you say my name, every time you sit next to me.
There was this time, you wanted me to accompany you to Siraj's house. At first I didn't want to, but you persuaded me to go. Then you replied "Yaaayyy, I love youuuu"
I still have that SMS.
and the time you were angry at me for not talking to you.
I still have that SMS.
I still care for you alot Kas, and I will always be there for you, and stand up for you.
But I'm sorry if I've neglected you, I just feel like breaking down sometimes.




I MISS IFFAH
I miss you because you're the only person to have ever officially stepped into my life. You're the only one to have met my parents. You're the only one I have ever called a Girlfriend.
I can't say you're the best GF, because you're the ONLY GF.
but you were wonderful, most times. haha.
you're definitely smart, and confident, and hard-headed.
You awaken in me, passion.
Not just in love, but in anything I do. I learnt to be strong, matured, and over-confident. haha.

but I have to tell you this.
and you know I'm always right.

You have to get it into your head that people will care for you.
You didnt have to make me love you, I already did.
So saying and doing things, in an effort to make me love you was pointless.
Just be yourself and the love will come.

And I still love you.
but that doesnt mean that I die die HAVE to get back with you.
How I phrase the sentence is important.
I still love you.
not,
I am still IN love with you.
I will always be there when you need me,
and you will be my best friend forever.
If we ever get back into a relationship, good lah.
but if it doesnt, I don't care.
Because you're always there, and we will always, somehow, still be great friends.
Cruising Together, that's the song that reminds me of you.




I MISS WEEN
I know we've moved on sooooo farrr, we've forgotten each other.
But this is just to let you know, that you were a huge part of my life when we were 'dating'.
There was this one time, I was texting you, and suddenly you replied
that you have a boyfriend, and that you were sorry if we couldnt communicate as often.
I swear to you, I dropped my phone and started tearing.
I didn't cry. I just felt really sad.
And, as usual, I didn't reply you after that lah.
But you're happy now, and it doesn't matter. I've moved on anyway.
I still think of you though every time All About You by McFly is on.



I MISS FIZA CHERUBICA
Now this is old school.
I knew you back when I was in Lasalle. or before that maybe.
That's like 7/8 years ago?
I really really really really liked you.
and I never had the courage to tell you how I felt.
I would've asked you out if I was more of a man before.
Now, we dont talk as often, and I am too damn ashamed to ask you out.
You've moved up in the world, and have done so much for yourself.
I on the other hand, am STILL a punk.
But I'll always remember you.




That's all .
I don't think I've missed out anybody.

So there's a lesson in all this.
Make a move, before she moves on.

I'll never get that. haiz.


ooh...

I MISS ATIE
I do miss you alot. Really. You're such a nice girl.
I'll write more about you soon.

On the other end of my emotional highway though,
I feel really crappy.
As usual.

Somebody once said:

How we are valuable is more important than how valuable we are.

But when I come to think about it, I can never really know how I am valuable.
I don't have anybody who can really appreciate me enough to tell me that I'm valuable.
Ultimately, I'm alone.
STILL
Am I not valuable?




Finally, I don't know who to talk to...
but
I am not mad at you.

I'm furious, dissappointed, dumbfounded, sad, confused and starting to lose hope.
I'm sorry,
but you keep making me feel down.

and I know I make you feel down when I'm down.
sorry.


bleargh....
haiz...

My New Life

I love my new job. I wake up early everyday, eager to go to work. I know some of you who might be working there, or who are working in general, would be thinking "alaa, ni semangat kejap je." But I'm just happy that I'm making a change in my life.

Can't wait to see the results of all my hard work..

I never want to take an MC ever for the rest of my career.

KAS
.

This is the first time I've included somebody's name in a blog post to someone.

.

.

.

Firstly, I do not hold a grudge against you, I am not angry at you and I do not hate you. I do not want you to be angry at me or whatever when you see me outside.

I need you to understand that.

.

.

.

I just chose to ignore you because I've made up my mind not to get too close anymore.

For the past month or more, I've been contacting you, hanging out with you and such.

And you have made me feel so comfortable, so attached, so infatuated with you to say the very least. And as you know, I've been out of love for so long, and having someone with me can be more than a pleasure. You made me miss you, and want you and made me forget about the past hurt that I've been through.

.

You'd ask for me to sit beside you. Have my arms around you. You wanted me to spend the night with you. You had your head on my arm, lying beside me, trying to sleep. That and so many more things. How can I not grow to love?

.

.

.

In previous 'relationships', it wouldn't be uncommon for another guy to come in and 'potong jalan', and more than once, by somebody that I know. That has happened to me so many times before.

And for it to happen again would be unbearable. Unfortunately, I feel it has again.

.

You let me get so close, you led me to believe that there was hope for something. And I find out you're so obsessed with somebody else. Somebody who you got to know only after me. And it hurts me that it's somebody I know.

.

.

.

And it hurts me even more, when I see pictures and blog posts about you and him and etc2.

It hurts me to see how you get jealous when he's out with his ex or something.

That they live so close.

blah.

.

.

.

and I'm not saying I'm not angry at the guy or anything. I am. It's just that this post is only about you.

.

.

.

In the end, it got me thinking, wondering, "was she really into me? or did i get the wrong signals?"

either way, your actions have brought me up and shot me down. and it sucks.

.

.

.

So I try now not to be too close, not to get too attached anymore, cos it will only end in heartbreak. But it's difficult.

.

.

.

so yes. i expect a reply. an acknowledgement that you've understood what i said.

:)

take care kas.

DON'T GET CLOSE WITH SOMEBODY, IF YOU INTEND TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

I am depressed.

I need female companionship.

In every sense of the word.

I feel like dying.

I am still very depressed.

Time and again I witness somebody I really have feelings for slip through my fingers and fall into the hands of another man.

If I were a businessman and relationships were my business, I'd be out of a job, cos of my inability to secure any deals.

I'm also sad that nobody out there is open enough to understand my views on religion and atheism.
Well maybe not nobody, but too damn few.

Religion is a topic that invokes anger and disgust if you try to debate about it's fundamentals.
People who believe in religion and god are very prone to get offended when you talk about their faith in that sense.

haiz.

Okay, so Arshanti wasn't with X-Core.
I apologize.

But the rest of what I said still stands.


OH.
AND NOBODY MESSES WITH MY SAW.
I saw her name on the Anti Minahs and Kenings 2.0 Facebook page.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THAT PISSED ME OFF!

IF EVER I SEE HER NAME BEING TARNISHED AGAIN, I'M GONNA KILL THE PERSON WHOSE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT.

An Eye For An Eye Leaves Everybody Blind - Anti Minahs and Kenings 2.0

Fight fire with fire, and you'll get burnt.

Do you know why I got into the Punk scene?
Well firstly, cos I liked the music.

2nd of all, to me, it shows how I am proud of being an individual. A unique being. One person, different, somehow, from the rest. In what I believe in, in the things I wanna do, I am proud of being me, and NOBODY can take that away from me.

But that's just how I express my pride in my individuality. Other people can do it in their own way.
Doesn't matter if you're a skinhead, a rudeboy, a chinese ah beng, or some random malay mat.

You choose who you wanna be, and NOBODY can take it away from you.


Now,
Since we ALL have that FREEDOM OF CHOICE, to be the kind of person we want to be,
WHY should we give shit to people, because of their decisions?

WHO ARE WE, to judge what is right, or cool, for a person.

And I'm talking about all the Minahs and Mats out there, whose been affected by the ANTI MINAHS AND KENINGS 2.0 CONTROVERSY.


Now don't get me wrong, I too, like any other sane person out there, don't really fancy malay gangsters and all their eccentricities.
BUT I FEEL FOR THESE GUYS, why?

BECAUSE I think that what this Arshanti lady is doing is wrong.
and all those people supporting her, the blog, the facebook acct, you are no better.

Right now, everything's a mess.
They're bombarding each other with hate messages and all.
It's never gonna end.

In the first place, Arshanti shouldn't have put up pictures of all those people on Facebook. That's just rude.
NOW TELL ME I'M WRONG.
Don't you think it is wrong? To be putting up pictures of random people, people she doesn't know, and dissing them.

What I've learnt is to never judge a book by it's cover. They might look all MATish and all, but some of them ARE nice people.

Now since these people have been ATTACKED, for no apparent reason, of course they'll react.

and so they create another facebook fan page, to boycott Arshanti's AM&K2.0,
and surprise2, all Arshanti's friends pictures are on the profile.
and same thing again, alot of hate remarks.

Then we got a blog from the 'minahs' dissing the 'anti-minahs'.

SEE.. NEVERENDING..

Now I'm pissed because, these people are fighting over nothing.
and alot of heartpain for alot of people.

I also saw Arshanti's status on facebook when that happened.
She wrote something like "The minah's kutuk budak punks n skins.. They're looking for trouble"
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

Now who was the one looking for trouble first?
I know it was wrong for them to fight back with such harsh words, but it's only natural don't u think?

2ndly, "They're looking for trouble"?
Well to me, it sounds like you seem very confident of yourself there. What if they did come looking for trouble? Who are you gonna fall back on?
The scene kids? The punks? The skins?
It seems like you're expecting help, when you're not at all sure that you're gonna get it.
What? You're gonna go to town, round up all the scene kids, and get them to save your butt?
If that was the case, I wouldn't join you. Definitely.

Is or was Arshanti with the x-core kids?
If she was, haha, nuff said.



I don't know la. I don't know where to start. You talk about people being childish mats and starting fights and all, but you, wether u know it or not, are doing just that.

Wouldn't ANY of you feel hurt, if somebody you didn't know, who doesn't know you, talk bad about you?

You can come talk to me for a more in-depth conversation.
There's so much to say.

NENEK JUAL KEROPOK IS REAL!

NENEK JUAL KEROPOK IS REAL!

Firstly I'd like to say:
'Fuck You!' to all those who have believed in the stupid Nenek Jual Keropok story.

why?

Cos it's utter crap.

We shouldn't be going around believing every single story told to us. Especially not one about a cranky old lady who has a failing cracker business and resorts to cursing random households to earn enough to feed her Pontianak.

Now hear me out for abit.

• WHAT IF? that old lady really does exist, BUT she's really ttying to make an honest living by selling her keropok. She has to earn enough to feed her 3 grandchildren and/or to pay rent. None of you fuckers out there are giving her any business because, some dumbass superstitious prick sent a few bad smses...
  It could be that her keropoks were really bad, somehow, but noooooooo. Somebody HAD to make up a story about it being cursed and all.
  FUCK YOU.
  
  

• WHAT IF? it was all a marketing scheme, to get more listeners to tune in to Misteri Jam 12? I mean, it could've started out as a joke or something, just for entertainment, but turns out, there really was an old lady selling keropok. Now nobody will buy any from her.
  FUCK YOU.
  
  
• WHAT IF? She really was an carrying an evil spirit and out to curse every home out there. Then what? What were we taught in Religious class? That no man, creature, ghost or any form is bigger or stronger than the one who created it. Don't tell me all those homes with a strong religious foundation will get attacked too? And those homes with religiously inclined decoration, ayat ni la, ayat tu la, they will get attacked too? The people who regularly pray and what not, they will get attacked too? WHY? Cos they didn't want to buy Keropok?!?!?!? Kirakan ape? This pontianak is waaaaayyyy stronger than all your teachings, all your beliefs, and your God!
  You're letting an SMS get the best of your FAITH.
  I'm not a religious person at all. You might even call me an agnostic. But I respect the religious teachings, and c'mon la, this is no way to act...
  FUCK YOU.
  
  
• WHAT IF? There was no nenek selling keropok at all. No ghost. No pontianak. No stale keropok.
  You guys just bought the most lame ass keropok ever.
  FUCK YOU!

Some of you even go as far as saying

"ooohh, my uncle's house got hit!"
"my mom's friend encountered it!"
"yesterday there was an old nenek knocking on my door!"
"my friend's cousin's brother's girlfriend's mom's husband's house got visited by her!"

Have any of you actually SEEN the old lady?
or better still,
BOUGHT the keropok?
How many of your homes actually got haunted by a Pontianak?
Shouldn't you all be dead by now?

Some I even ask,
"When she came knocking, what did you do?"

And they answer:
"I didn't open the door lah! You think I stupid issit?"

YES YOU ARE!!!!
If you never opened the door, how in the world would you have known that it was her?

Probably it was some distant relative who came by for a visit. But nooooo, you couldn't let her in.
Didn't matter if the person at your door was bleeding from the hips from a car accident, nooooo, you couldn't open the door...

Or she really was an old lady selling keropok, for Pertapis or Boy's Home or something. Just not the Pontianak keropok lady.
FUCK YOU!



Then there are some of you, who tell me, after I've expressed my views on the subject,
"What if it's real azhar?"

What do you mean what if it's real? To be asking such a question is a waste of time, cos obviously you never took the effort to think things through.
You just jump to the 'what if it's real' conclusion.

okay, so what if it's real?
You all die la.

BUT AT LEAST WE KNOW IT'S REAL!!!
Sacrifice one to save 4 million Singaporeans.
okay wat.


I urge you people to think properly.
We all live in this modern world,
where the paper chase is the most important thing.
We go to school, try to get diplomas and degrees.
And we pride ourselves for being smart.
But nobody seems to be using their brain.
THINK THINK THINK!!!!

This kind of mentality is the same kind which fuels racism, sexism and all other kinds of biasness in this world.
You don't know the whole truth, but you jump to conclusions, you sterotype.
You ruin reputations.
Think about it.

Lastly. I found this.
http://cyberita.asia1.com.sg/msingapura/story/0,6879,146003-1248731940,00.html?
go read it.

I just wanna say something random.

I miss ALL the girls I've ever been with.
No matter how shortlived the relationships were, they were no doubt still relationships.
Better than what I have now.

I've been alone for way too long.
It's killing me.

There are some I miss more than the others.
But I won't say who.
But it's not just one.

And it's not only because I am lonely that I miss them.
I miss them also and especially because some or should I say most of them are amazing people.
Smart
Funny
Beautiful
Traits that I would want my GF to have.

Unfortunately, things never turn out the way I hope.
and the sad thing is for some of them, I never got the chance to confess my 'love'to them,
and before i know it, they get swept off their feet by somebody else.
life sucks.

So, again I say,
I miss u.


k Bye.
I wanna kill myself.

I've stopped searching for ways to commit suicide already.
Partly because I've already done so.
I've driven myself into a path of no return, of a slow and painful death.
A path, that will torture me every now and then as I grow older.

This lack of enthusiasm to complete anything is gonna be the death of me.
I foresee that I will have trouble getting a career, and settling down.
I will have lots of debts, job hunts, free time and friends.
I will have very little money, credibility and gfs.

but.
seeing that the roller coaster of my life has reached its peak and is going downhill, going nowhere fast,
I've decided to do all the things that I haven't been able to put in my full 100% in.
Not that it's 100% now.

I've started writing songs again.
In about 3 hours yesterday, I came up with 3 new songs for the band,
and 2 for my personal self.

Eventhough school isn't really my cup of tea,
I've been to the library regularly recently,
and borred books on

Design
Art
Psychology
Philosophy
Philosophy
Design
Poker
Motorcycles
Design
Design

Learning is still important. eventhough i suck at it.

I've also shaved my hair.
Mohawk again!







one thing is for sure... my brain is slowing down, I can't write as fast as I wan't to.
Ideas, vocabulary and etc just don't seem to pop up when they're supposed to..
It takes awhile for me to think of what I'm supposed to type.
I'm just not quick enough anymore..

heh
If I think I'm growing dumber,
how can I not?
Especially with the lack of intelligent conversation from anybody.
You've got bimbos and what not on Tagged who are only oh so pretty but can't spell their name if it didn't involve a shag.
Where am I supposed to practice my speech? My creative writing? My powers of debating?
How can I NOT grow dumb?

I feel like drowning myself in a deep pool of quick drying cement.

I feel like doing 160 on my RXK and ramming it straight into a wall of rusty nails.

AAAAAHHHH!!!!!
I CAN'T DO THIS!
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING!!!
I can't study.
I can't sleep.
I'M NOT MOTIVATED TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL!
i'm even too lazy to eat.
I SHOULD THINK I'M DEPRESSED, AM I?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!??!?!?!?!
and being single for this long really isn't helping my self esteem.


"YOU CAN DO IT!"
"WORK HARD"
"WORK HARDER"
"MOTIVATE YOURSELF TO BE BETTER"


FUCK YOU!
it's fuckin' difficult!
i'm tired of life.
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK

I AM SUCH A LOSER!!!
DISSAPOINTMENT!!!
HOPELESS!!!
my younger brother is giving me pocket money.


CAN I KILL MYSELF?

I'm still short of $100 to continue school.
and I'm waiting for a job confirmation before I can earn that money.
I'm hoping people will lend me the money. Bit by bit.
But nobody seems to bother.
Haiz...


Anyway, as much as I really want that cash for my school fees, today's post is not about money.
Last month, my classmates had their FINAL presentation.
An all night video screening of their work, based on a certain theme, with music and all.
Everybody was there. Almost.

Anyway, there was a point of time when one of the soundmen, stood up and said
"Hey guys! Azhar is back here, he's hiding!"
and I never showed my face.





Honestly speaking, I did want to.
I wanted to say somethings.
But I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
If it's any consolation my fellow MGBD classmates, this was what I wanted to say:

"Firstly, I would like to congratulate all of you for completing YEAR ONE,
and for putting up an extraordinarily amazing show that night.
You guys have put in alot of effort, and cracked your brains non-stop,
sacrificing eat, sleep and your social life to pull this project off.
And I believe you guys have done so for every other project before this.
I really admire you guys for having that sort of discipline to pull yourselves through all the crap that's been thrown your way.
I am envious of your achievements.

I would also like to apologise, to all my classmates,
for I know, I've been quite the ASS sometimes.
Most of the time.
All of the time.
I haven't been coming to school regularly.
Haven't been doing my work regularly.
And I haven't been paying attention regularly.
It's fine if it was just me, but I know my actions could've cost you your work as well.
I know I have fucked up your precious efforts on more than one occasion.
And for that, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for failing, not the course, but in general, even after some of you guys, have given me encouragement.
That belief in me, was what I needed to pull me through, but when I got it,
I took it for granted.
I apologise.


Lastly, To my lecturers.
Especially Miss Sherlyn.
I know I've said alot already.
Not today, but before today.
I've given you false hope, and taken your advice and sincerity for granted.
There's nothing much I can say cos you've heard it all, I guess.
but this time,
wether I do get to continue school or not,

I'm Sorry.





So to all my NYP friends.
Congratulations.




If any of my classmates happen to read this,
please let the others read it too?
Miss Sherlyn too maybe?

I was feeling really shitty yesterday,
depressed kinda shitty,
and I had trouble sleeping.

Eventually I did, at about 7am.

It's about 2.20pm now and I just woke up from a peculiar dream.
I'm not one to rant on and on about my dreams.
I don't dwell on fabulous things fabricated within my deep slumber.
But I suddenly feel propelled to write this down.
I'm unsure why.

The dream goes like this:

I threw my brothers out of the house because they were beginning to become unruly.
Lazy, wreckless, lying and rude.
I got so ticked, I decided to catch a movie, with my friends. Which I rarely do.

At the cinema, after purchasing the tickets, we proceeded to hang out at a nearby amusement park.
That's where i first layed my eyes upon this stunning lady, laughing with her female companions over ice-cream.
She sat on a wooden bench, much like those you see in your Secondary School canteens, one leg over the other and had her arms crossed on her lap.
The girl in my dream was petite, about 1.5 - 1.6 metres in height, maybe.
She had short black hair, that bobbed up and down as she walked, and blew sideways across her face when the breezy winds passed.
The little lady dressed herself in a short blue denim skirt, that went all the way up to her thighs, and a cute little white t-shirt that had those jokes on them. You know? The kind you see in Bugis like "Good Bush - Bad Bush" kinda thing.
Her smile was captivating, sweet, demure, humble, but at the same time, you knew she was outgoing, overtly friendly and open, just from her smile.
She had nice eyes that seemed to glimmer under the sunlight everytime she turned to converse with her friends. I really can't remember much, but all I know for sure was, she was undeniably cute.

My friends and I preceeded to one of the rides at the park. Soon after, we were joined by those girls.
I stood in line, waiting to purchase my overpriced, overrated roller coaster ticket. Now, I don't know why I did this, because I would almost never get on a roller coaster in real life. Anyway, I was the last of all my friends to get in line, so I didn't know anybody behind me.
The thought of the cute little girl in the blue denims invaded my mind suddenly. Wondering what she was doing, I turned, hoping to catch a quick glance of that enchanting smile.

I stepped back and almost tripped in utter shock, when I saw that the girl of my dreams, was standing right behind me. She was standing straight with her hands cupped behind her arched back, had her head tilted up in my direction, and swaying herself back and forth gently by tiptoeing, then standing on her heels.
She had on her a huge smile, and looked at me straight in the eyes. It was more of a 'haha, you didn't see me hide the birthday cake, I'm innocent' smile more than anything.
In my disorientation, I smiled back, and turned back in line.

I looked at the clock, it read half past three.
"Hi"
I heard someone saying. Obviously it was the girl behind me.
I turned, timidly raised my right hand to my shoulders and said hi back. I almost did a wave.

So, a conversation ensues, and the both of us decide to get out of line. I think it was because I came to my senses and remembered that I don't like all these rides. That, and because I was enraptured before her very presence.

Now the rest of the dream is a blur. Just like most dreams are.

But I remember distinctly, that we talked a lot. She mentioned that she knew who I was, and I, being the dumbfounded love fool that I became then, didn't know who she was, and could't even be bothered to crank the insides of my cranium to figure it out.

At the end of the few hours at the park, we got really comfortable with each other.
We walked closer together, and made jokes and laughed our asses off, making a fool of ourselves in public.
She was intelligent, had a good command of her language, and was very communicative. Everytime I made a philosphical or social statement, like I always do, she'd pause for a moment, stare at the ground thinking, then look at me and explain to me what I just said, in her own words, indicating that she understood me very well, or at the very least, tried to.

I was quickly taking a liking to this girl, who exudes confidence and all of the qualities of my 'dream girl'.

At the movies, we sat together and stayed silent throughout the film. Another plus point because I hate it when people ask questions or start discussing about the film, WHILE watching the film.

We chatted again after the show, and we got closer. I had my arms around her as we sat on the bench under the blank sky. The winds grew stronger every moment as darkness began to blanket the once orange skyline. The sight of her silky smooth thighs exposed as her skirt went up slightly when she sat down, sent tingles down the back of my ear. She was so cute, and smart, I think I was falling in love. She took my hand and lay it gently on her lap. Her skin, cold on my palms, was a sensation I cannot find the will to describe. She leaned closer to me. First, one arm. Then, the other. She kept me in her little bear hug as she closed her eyes and took a rest.
And I thought to myself, I MUST be dreaming.



Damn.
I don't remember the rest of the dream.





I think I need a girlfriend real quick.